


Slytherin Please!

by petals42_tumblr (rosepetals42)



Series: Check Please Tumblr Fics [7]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Gen, M/M, Once again I just want to fight anti-slytherin prejudice, The Golden Trio, They do make an appearance, and post Untamed if you've read that, at least i think it does, takes place Post Harry Potter, there were notes somewhere on how to combine the two AUS
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2017-02-28
Packaged: 2018-09-27 15:28:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10028303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosepetals42/pseuds/petals42_tumblr
Summary: A collection of headcanons, mini-fics, and answered-asks all about SMH at Hogwarts.(Note: They all have to play for the same Quidditch team. Which means they all have to be in the same House. Which means they are all Slytherins. Obviously.)





	1. Introductions and Sorting

**Author's Note:**

> I would say this fic is one of my more disjointed in that it really is a mix of rambling and fic. However, I still really like most of the ideas and want it all saved on here. More chapters will be added as it goes.

ALRIGHT, so I’ve been meaning to write this one for a while but I have accepted that it not going to happen in full-fic format. So, here, the old “this isn’t a fic but oh wait it’s turned into a bit of a fic” format (a petals classic):

So, the key of a CP HP AU is that, in general, you have to get everyone in the same House because that’s how the quidditch teams work. And a quick glance (I haven’t read them bc I try not to read aus im going to write for fear of transference) tells me that others have done Hufflepuff and Gryffindor but if you know anything about me, you know there is nothing I love more than dismantling the last vestiges of anti-Slytherin prejudice that still lingers in everyone’s subconscious. (*cough* [Untamed ](http://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Farchiveofourown.org%2Fworks%2F4020778&t=NmEzNWRkYTI1MDZkZjIyMTE2NjY3NGY2ZjU5YmQyZDhkNTRkNmQ5Yix4SnE4N2E5UA%3D%3D&b=t%3AAQAoXNfqbtRpvrDIPXUK7A&p=http%3A%2F%2Fpetals42.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F147048244029%2Fcheck-please-hp-au&m=1)*cough*)

Basically, I’m going to put everyone into Slytherin. Cuz I can. So here you go, you have:

**Jack Zimmermann,** son of Bad Bob Zimmermann, a quidditch _legend_. He played Beater for the Montrose Magpies and is known for creating and coining the term “Scoring Beater” due to his skill at using his beater’s bat not only to control the bludger, but to hit the quaffle through the posts at incredible distances. It starts out as a trick play but turned into a legitimate scoring strategy. Most importantly for our story, Bob Zimmermann was the Captain of the team for his final two years of Hogwarts, won the House Cup for 4/6 years he was on the team, and is generally regarded as one of the finest flyers ever to come out of Gryfindor.

Yes, Gryffindor. Bad Bob Zimmermann was a Gryffindor. In fact, all of the Zimmermanns in the history of Magic have been Gryffindors. 

Until Jack Zimmermann. Already dealing with the pressure of dominating in quidditch little leagues, Jack Zimmermann came to Hogwarts and then in a moment that didn’t quite seem real, the Sorting Hat was put onto his head and screamed SLYTHERIN before it had even finished it’s downward descent. The Gryffinders started clapping before they realized what had happened. The Slytherins didn’t start clapping because they assumed there was some mistake. Some claimed that the Hat must just be a bit tired (it was the end of the alphabet after all) and it made a mistake. It is said that this might be the only time Headmaster McGonagall broke her calm exterior during a Sorting Ceremony and tried to put the hat back on a student’s head.

But, eventually (when the Hat just turned and huffed at McGonagall and the Slytherins finally started cheering), there was nothing left for Jack Zimmermann to do but walk over to the Slytherin side of the Great Hall and plop next to B. Knight, already wondering how on earth he was going to explain this to his parents. Even his mother, who was a Muggle, knew enough about Hogwarts to know that Slytherins were the _worst_. 

Of course, in the weeks/months/years that follow, Jack Zimmermann realizes that he is, in fact, a Slytherin. Goal-oriented? Ambitious? He is all of those things. And, actually, he is a lot of things from the other Houses as well because, really, what person can be reduced to just three or four traits and isn’t it a _bit_  ridiculous that eleven year olds are just sorted into Houses and then basically conditioned to view themselves in a certain light throughout their formative years and–

Well, wait. We’re getting into Shitty.

**B. “Shitty” Knight** , whose Pureblood family was also all Slytherins and who would have _loved_  to “pull a Zimmermann” and not be sorted into the House everyone expected him to go to. But, Shitty loves arguments more and if cunning doesn’t describe Shitty, nothing does. On any given day, Shitty can be found arguing that the Houses are psychologically damaging to children and should be done away with completely _or_  that the prejudice against Slytherins is entirely unfair and leads to self-fulfilling prophecies and look, their founder was problematic,sure, but if you are from _Britain_  and you don’t think your founders were problematic, then he doesn’t know what to tell you.

Or he can be found getting into fistfights with anyone who dare taunt Jack Zimmermann about what a disappointment he must be to his family.

Or he can be found on the Quidditch pitch. Where he plays Chaser, along with Jack Zimmermann. 

Other members of the Slytherin Quidditch Team:

**Ransom** , who is still ambitious enough to have the Hogwarts equivalent of a 4.0 and plans on taking over Mungo’s one day. He excels at every subject, but loves Potions and Herbology the most. He was Muggle-born and continues to prefer Muggle clothing over robes and is often found arguing with McGonagall about whether or not he should be allowed to wear a snapback as part of his uniform.

**Holster**  is from a Magic family (though, not Pureblood, there are a fair number of Muggles who married in and they don’t bother calling the non-magic kids Squibs because it’s sort of a 50/50 shot) and if you had asked him before he boarded the Hogwarts Express what house he belonged in, he would have said Hufflepuff (because they seem chill) but if you were to ask him 5 minutes into the train ride (where luck would have it, he sat next to Ransom), he would have said “whereever Ransom ends up.” He went so far as to patiently explain this to the Sorting Hat. 

Of course, because “Birkholtz” is before “Oluransi” in the dictionary, he not only had to explain his wish to be sorted into a House with his friend, but also had to describe his friend (who, for the record he had known for a total of about 3 hours) to the Sorting Hat in great enough detail that the Hat could essentially Sort _him_  before ever meeting him. 

This led to a rare “Hat Stall” where Holster sat up front conversing with the Hat for almost a full 10 minutes. By this point, the Hat had already decided to put Holster in Slytherin (because what else can you do with a guy who is willing to argue for ten minutes with a magic all knowing hat who would have originally put the guy in Hufflepuff in about two minutes but will _not stop arguing his point_  and Slytherins are nothing if not loyal to the rare person they decide they like). Luckily, Holster’s description of Ransom held up and the Hat took one look in Ransom’s ambitious little brain and heard him say “I want to be with Hol–” and screamed _Slytherin_  before he had to listen to another 11 year olds ramble about his new best friend.

Holster and Ransom now play Beaters on the Slytherin team. Ransom manages to work himself into a panic attack at least once a semester (Holster does not know what they are going to do about OWLS or NEWTS) and Holster’s primary problem remains that because Hogwarts does not allow electronics, he falls _miserably_  behind on all his muggle television shows every year. He is still looking for a solution.

**Lardo,**  aka the “You _will_  do what I say because the force of my glare is that strong and so help me I am _busy_  so you better not bother me and yes, I am an artist, but I am actually not chill about art because I will be the best artist even though I actually hate art wait, no, I love it” got Sorted into Slytherin with absolutely no problem whatsoever. She now plays Seeker because she is small and fast and loves that she has the power to end the game whenever she wants.

Also, if you think anyone can fake out the other Seeker better than Larissa Duan, you are wrong. The girl once made another Seeker crash into his own teammates head. She hadn’t even moved toward the guy. Just looked in that direction and let a small smile flick onto her face, which the other Seeker tore after without a second thought.

OKAY, now we all know who we are waiting for. 

**Eric R. Bittle** comes into Hogwarts knowing pretty much nothing about the Magic world. He is a Muggle who kept _meaning_  to read Hogwarts, A History or one of the other books on the “Don’t come in knowing absolutely nothing about Hogwarts! (Seriously, Just because Harry Potter did it does not mean that you should)” Booklist that was put together by someone named Hermione Granger (but named by someone named Ron Weasley) and sent along with his Hogwarts Letter, but… well, if he was going to _boarding_  school, he had a lot of pies to bake. And reading all those books seemed like schoolwork and… well, Eric R. Bittle has never put schoolwork before baking in his life and it is technically summer and he’s sure he will just figure it out when he gets there. 

Of course, it his just his luck that Bittle is first in the dictionary his year so he is stuck going first, putting this hat on his head, dealing with the fact that the hat starts _talking_  and–

“ _A lot here, a lot here,”_ the hat mutters. Bitty jumps. Then remembers to be polite.

“Well, thank you,” he says.

“ _Just think it, dear, this is supposed to be a private conversation.”_

_“Oh!”_  Bitty replies. With his mind. “ _Oh, okay. Um, how are you?”_

He is still not sure what is happening. 

“ _Good, good_ ,” the hat replies. “ _Well, we can cross Ravenclaw off the list, no offense. The other three though… A hard one right off the bat!_ ”

_“Oh, goodness, sorry!_ ” Bitty says. 

_“No, no, I enjoy the challenge. Let me just sort through here.”_

Bitty goes quiet because he knows his Mama hates when he talks to her when she is concentrating and–

_“A baker?”_ the hat says.  _“Any good?”_

_“I can make the best pie you’ve ever tasted even if you ain’t got nothing but_ canned _fruit in your pantry.”_

The hat chuckles,  _“I like the confidence. Confidence and resourcefulness and you know, underneath here you’ve got some anger here, Eric, did you know? Anger and protective instincts and oh yes, you will be great, won’t you, Eric Bittle? Especially if I put you in–_

SLYTHERIN!!”

The last word is said aloud and Bitty isn’t quite sure what just happened but the hat is pulled off his head and the table on the far side starts clapping and chanting and so he heads over there. Sits down next to one of the largest humans he has ever seen and his daddy coaches rugby. 

“Name’s Holster!” the giant booms out. “And this is Ransom!”

Ransom is sitting across from Holster. At least the girl next to _him_  seems to be normal sized.

“Lardo,” she says, grinning. “And over there is Shitty and Jack.”

“GREAT TO HAVE YOU HERE!” Shitty yells, shoving back Holster, so he can see. “Welcome to the best fucking house in the world! Even though Houses are social constructs and-”

“Not _yet_ , Shitty,” Lardo says. “Give him a chance to bask before you ruin it.”

“Fine. Jack… Jack!” Shitty has to yell because Jack is not paying attention to the sorting at all. Jack is doodling quidditch plays on a spare bit of parchment. Jack is only a 4th year but is already the Captain of the Slytherin team. Jack does not really care about the tiny 1st year that the Slytherins have just acquired. (The Hat was right to put Jack in Slytherin four years ago. No one does one-minded focus like Jack Zimmermann). “Jack, be nice. Say hi. Break stereotypes.”

“Hi,” Jack Zimmermann grunts. “Good to have you.”

“You a Muggle?” Someone else asks from down the table and Bitty doesn’t know how to answer that but he doesn’t have to because Shitty has turned and is demanding to know why on earth _that_  would matter and _obviously he’s not  if he’s here_  and dammit, Melvin, we are trying to _break_  stereotypes so just go ahead and shut your mouth and–

Shitty gets loud enough that he gets glared at by McGonagall and Melvin says something nasty under his breath about Shitty that has Jack looking up and snapping, “Shut the fuck up, Melvin, before I make you.” and Holster and Ransom and sitting up straighter and nodding seriously, Lardo glaring and casually pulling out her wand and–

It occurs to Bitty that he should have declined Hogwarts’ offer.

*^*^*^

Look, guys, I really don’t have time to write a whole fic right now, but imagine what happens with this:

Bitty continues to confuse the ever-living fuck out of everyone as to why he was put in Slytherin. He is the nicest boy ever to exist. He goes an introduces himself to the elves so he can use the kitchen and brings back pies. His mother was America and from the south so he has a bit of an accent and says things like “oh gosh” and “lord!” and “gracious, I didn’t see you there!” Everyone in his year loves him and he is often invited to other Houses and he comes out as openly gay and all the boys flirt with him and–

Ransom and Holster loves him the most though. They love him _literally_ the most and since so much of their time is taken up by Quidditch (You better believe Jack has them flying every single day), they tell Bitty he should try out for the team. (the no 1st years rule has long been done away with by now, though it is rarer. The Slytherins are a young team though, in general. In part because Jack Zimmermann was clearly the best and a lot of older guys didn’t particularly want to play under a young kid who was going to make them practice 3 hours a day, also because there are some big shifts happening in the Slytherin house and some kids weren’t on board with it.) 

Anyway, the point is, they are looking to fill a Chaser spot and Ransom and Holster convince Bitty he should go out for it. 

Of course, when Bitty turns up to try-outs, Jack takes one look at him and says, “We already have a Seeker. Also, have you actually flown before? Ever?”

Shitty pulls Jack aside and tells him to stop being a jerk and so Jack sighs and lets Bitty tryout and on the last night of tryouts, Jack sits in a corner with Shitty, trying to figure out his final lineup and Shitty notices Jack is just glaring at Bitty and–

“Dude, what’s your deal with him?” Shitty says, taking a frankly disgustingly big bite of pie. “You were the hardest on him all week.”

“I was not,” Jack says. Shitty glares at him. Jack sighs and shrugs. “I just… I don’t get why he’s here.”

“He’s not a bad flyer,” Shitty replies. “I mean, no technique yet but his instincts are good. Great Quaffle handling too. Probably from playing a bit of rugby. His dad coaches, you know.”

“No, I mean…. I don’t get why he’s _here_ ,” Jack says, gesturing. At the moment, Bitty is wearing an apron while trying to practice a potion. Ransom is helping. Bitty is singing with Holster while he works. “He’s— he put up curtains in the common room, Shitty!”

“Dude,” Shitty says, sounding reproachful. “Dude, is this… is this a homophobic thing? Because that is _not cool_ man and–”

“What?” Jack says, dragging his eyes away. “No! What the– Fuck, Shitty, it’s not _that!”_

“Then what are you saying!?”

“We’re Slytherins!” Jack says. “We’re… c’mon, Shitty, we’re the bad guys! I mean, I know, I know, you say we’re not but still… there is no way he belongs here. He should be in like… Gryffindor or something! Hufflepuff at least.” 

“Jack,” Shitty says and then waits for Jack to look at him. Because Jack has looked down at his notes and his quill is shaking, his hand is curled around it so tight. “C’mon. Outside.”

“No, Shitty,” Jack tries, hunching his shoulders. “Not tonight. I gotta finish this. I know. I shouldn’t think that way. I’m wrong, you’re right, we’re not bad people, just let me–”

“Nope,” Shitty says and then drags him out. “Up and at ‘em.”

Because, of all of them, Jack has the most internalized Slytherin-hate. Shitty came from a pro-Slytherin family and maybe they were pro-Slytherin for the wrong reasons but at least he didn’t grow up with the constant narrative that he was the _bad guy_. Ransom had no pre-conceived notions, Holster didn’t care, and Lardo seemed to enjoy defying all the stereotypes, but Jack… Jack had listened to a certain stories his whole life. And those stories were always “good guy gryffinder saves the world from horde of cruel slytherins” and even if his family didn’t mean to group _all_  slytherins in with that, it happens. It’s a rough stereotype that Shitty believes the school doesn’t do enough to combat. They had spent a grand total of about 5 minutes on Regulus Black in history class. (Or at least, they would have if Shitty did not derail the class by demanding the full story be told.)

Basically, Slytherin hatred is still out there. And the problem with the subtle Slytherin-hatred that permeates Hogwarts is that it can turn into self-hatred. 

Especially for Jack Zimmermann. Who seems prone to that anyway.

So, starting their first year, whenever Jack gets down about being a Slytherin, Shitty drags him outside (away from the _dungeons–_ seriously, why would they think that keeping kids in a _dungeon_  was going to improve self-esteem?? It’s one in a long line of things Shitty wants to change about Hogwarts) and they talk it out. Or at least, Shitty talks until Jack relaxes and then they talk about other things and sometimes Jack circles back and says thank you and sometimes not and–

“I know,” Jack says as they sneak out and head to the quidditch pitch. It’s technically too late for them to be out of the Common Room but that has never stopped them. “I know, Shitty, Slytherins aren’t bad guys. But–”

“But?”

“But, c’mon, you gotta admit that Bitty is the least Slytherin person _ever_.”

“Why?” Shitty presses. “Because he is happy? Bakes?”

“He… he doesn’t even curse, Shitty! He sings to himself in the shower.”

“Holster does that too.”

“Holster at least hates almost everyone.”

“Hatred is not a Slytherin trait!!”

“You know what I mean!” Jack says. Shitty blinks at him. “I don’t know, Shitty. He just… he just bothers me.”

There. He’d said it. Bitty _bothers_  him. He is just so happy and everyone already loves him and he doesn’t even realize he was put in the worst house and–

“You know what I think?” Shitty says.

“No,” Jack mumbles, even though it’s not true. He does want to know what Shitty thinks. He has always found Shitty fascinating. Shitty has helped him more than he cares to admit. 

“Well, I think that you don’t like him because even though he is brand new, he is the best Chaser we saw this week and you know you should put him on the team.”

Jack groans. It’s true. 

“I also think you don’t like him because he challenges _all_ your stereotypes about the Houses and you are still a little too invested in upholding some kind of order.”

“Shitty.”

“It’s more comfortable when people act how we think they are supposed to act,” Shitty continues and then smiles to let Jack know that he is done being serious. “But, not as exciting!”

“He’s still too chipper,” Jack grumbles as Shitty rises and he follows. 

“You could use some chipper in your life,” Shitty replies, pulling out his wand. 

“I thought that’s what I had you for,” Jack grumbles.

“You always need more, Jack Zimmermann. Always.”

Jack rolls his eyes and sighs and raises his wand because every conversation with Shitty ends the same way so,

“ _Accio Broomstick!”_  they both say at the same time. 

Their brooms come flying out of the storage unit and they hope on and play for an hour.

The next day, Jack puts Bitty on the team officially.

*^*^*^

(Okay, for real, GOTTA STOP THERE. But imagine, someone crossing someone Bitty cares about, maybe Ransom or Holster, and Bitty just _destroys them_  and everyone is like… oh shit. Bitty is a Slytherin and Shitty (to Jack) is like “See! Are you happy! Our boy is a straight _viper_  when he needs to be!!” and Jack, meanwhile, is just standing and staring and more turned on than he has ever been in his life.)

(Also, Bitty is afraid of Bludgers so Jack helps him through that fear.)

(Also, they make out.)

(Also, Shitty gets elected Prefect and then Headboy (first Slytherin since the war!) and gets in more fights with McGonagall/the establishment than anyone thought possible. Except for Jack. Jack knew this was always how it was going to go.)

(Also, I always say I’m gonna do this in my HP AUs and then don’t but I want everyone to imagine Harry Potter or Ron or Hermione coming to Hogwarts to give like… a don’t know a lecture? or a Defense against the Dark Arts lesson? You know _something_  about what they went through and I want you to imagine Shitty being a bit prickly because the Slytherins are evil subtext gets bigger around this time of year and like… at least, don’t make the 1st year Slytherins have to go to this! This is just terrible and 11 year olds don’t have the mental ability to deal with the stress of that yet so… maybe he doesn’t say anything to the original trio directly because, hell, they were pretty traumatized kids too, but he holds a meeting in an abandoned classroom (big enough to fit all the younger Slytherins and anyone else who wants to come about how just because this happened does not mean that they are destined to be the villains or that they need to take on unnecessary guilt) (he makes a special point to talk to all the kid’s who’s relatives  _were_  on the wrong side of the war. especially those whose family members died, but are never supposed to grieve about their parents/grandparents because they were the _bad guys_.) 

(GUYS I’m just saying that Shitty definitely runs some type of Slytherin Support Group and he runs it a lot from his own experience because his father is a terrible guy with some pretty terrible views that he apparently got from _his_  father. But the only memories Shitty has of his grandfather are the man fucking _loving_  his dog and letting Shitty sit on his lap and pet the dog and Shitty’s dad still keeps a photo of his dad and his dog in his robes so like, maybe, not everyone is all bad. So Shitty has to balance loving what he remembers of his grandfather, while also condemning all his actions, while also determining that _he_  is not going to become bitter and angry like his father.  Also Bitty doesn’t understand all the subtext going on, be he bakes pies for every meeting.)

(Maybe, Harry, Ron, or Hermione hear about it and turns up and… gosh, there are so many ways for that to go and I have to think about it more but basically, think about that too.  Do they sit in the back and learn something? Do they then go to say something to Shitty afterwards and he is pretty defensive at first but then they are really nice? Does this inspire Hermione to look deeper into some of the Slytherin families that were torn apart by war? Does this inspire Harry to readjust how he views Slytherins even now? Does Ron just nod and offer to take Shitty out for butterbeers? Does Ron also use the opportunity to get Jack Zimmermann’s autograph and tell him to play for the Canons?? PROBABLY TO BE HONEST. PROBABLY.)

(Also, imagine Bitty and Jack finding the room of requirement. ;) ;) ;) )


	2. The Frogs and Tadpoles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is an answered ask.  
> The original message from the Anonymous user is at the beginning of the chapter in quotes.

> Umm the CP HP AU is the greatest thing ever. Nursey, that typical beautiful and chill Slytherin who seems like he's there cuz his whole family has been; until he opens his mouth and he is cunning and wicked with words like no one else. Chowder is considered to be a mystery/mistake (like Bitty), until people seem him act as keeper (and he turns into your FTG). Dex is like Jack in that his sorting is a surprise; he's obviously related to the Weasleys, and very poor and his family is SO angry.
> 
>  

Yup, yup, yup–

I would add that I think it would be even cooler if Nursey were actually Muggle-born as well. And most muggle-born students, even if they attempt to play it cool are pretty freaked out by the _fucking magic everywhere_  and so it’s a little bit expected that Muggle-born first years ask a lot of questions and exclaim a lot of wonder and for the most part they do.

Except Nursey. Nursey is chill. The chillest Muggle-born ever to come to Hogwarts. He doesn’t know everything already like Hermione Granger did when she came, but he is taking it all in stride. Owls deliver mail every morning? No problem. Ghosts exist? Cool. The stairs move and Nursey is on them? Totally fine, he just settles down and reads until they move back. Nursey is so Chill with magic that some people are starting to doubt he is Muggleborn at all.

Until one day when like something tiny happens. Well, not tiny, any magicborn person has seen it a thousand times, but he hasn’t. Maybe he finds out about animagus. He finds out that the _Headmaster_  of the school can turn into a cat. The point is that this is the point where Nursey fucking Loses. His. Shit. He finds out during breakfast (maybe McGonagall as a cat just strolls in and the students go obediently silent and then she just turns into a person) and it’s just… that’s it. Game over for Derek Nurse. 

“WHAT THE FUCK?” He says, standing into the stunned silence. “IS NO ONE GOING TO MENTION THIS?? PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL CAN TURN INTO A CAT??? OR WAS SHE A CAT ORIGINALLY THAT BECAME A PERSON?? WHAT THE FUCK!?!? SERIOUSLY!??!” 

He takes a breath and keeps going.

“Fucking moving pictures? FINE. I can deal with that even though it makes me VERY UNCOMFORTABLE BC HOW MUCH OF THE ORIGINAL PERSONALITY IS TRANSFERRED?? IS THIS A FORM OF IMMORTALITY?? HAS NO ONE THOUGHT OF THIS?? But FINE OKAY FINE. Dragons are real- OKAY THEN. NOT SURE WHY I HAVENT SEEN THEM BEFORE BUT OKAY. Fucking potions and wands and ROBES AND SHIT –FINE BUT THIS IS TOO MUCH. FUCK IT ALL!”

And the rant probably continues but it drops to under his breath and he storms out. Chowder and Bitty look a little worried. Jack looks concerned because one of his brand new second string beaters has just lost it. Ransom, Shitty, and Holster are _dying laughing_. 

Dex is just delighted. DELIGHTED. 

Oh, wait, let’s talk about Dex. (and Chowder too but lets put it under a cut cuz this is getting long.)

So, anon, I like your idea of Dex being a Weasley who is supposed to be in Gryffinder but I also like the idea of Dex NOT being a Weasley.

Like the Poindexters are a newer Magic family and they have all been sorted into Gryffindor (at least the three generations that have been in Hogwarts) and they all have red hair and that means _everyone thinks they are related to the Weasleys_. 

And it drives Dex _crazy_.

“NOT ALL REDHEADS ARE RELATED!” he bursts out more than once. “JUST BECAUSE WE ARE POOR AND REDHEAD DOES NOT MEAN WE ARE RELATED.”

“ALSO FOR THE RECORD THE WEASLEYS ARE NOT THAT POOR ANYMORE. THEY ARE ALL GAINFULLY EMPLOYED. ONE IS MARRIED TO _HARRY FUCKING POTTER_!!!”

Seriously, if Dex gets asked if he is a fucking Weasley one more time in his life he is going to lose it. 

So when the Sorting Hat drops on _his_ head, he makes a Harry Potter-like request. Except he doesn’t say “not slytherin,” he says “anything but gryffindor. merlin above, _anything but gryffindor_.” He doesn’t think he could survive 7 years of “Oh! Redhead? Poor? In Gryffindor? You must be a WEASLEY!!!”

He would kill someone and end up in Azakaban. He’s sure of it.

The hat chuckles at him, tells him he really would make a great Gryffindor (bc despite all that rage, he has a lot of determination and bravery) but then yells SLYTHERIN loud enough for the room to hear and Dex thinks _thank god_  and that is that.

ONTO CHOWDER.

So Chowder’s family is magic but historically, has no particularly strong ties to any house. Like, sure, for the War, they all managed to be in Hufflepuff or Gryfinndor, but before the War, there were some Slytherins in the mix and so he doesn’t have to deal with any family obligations in terms of where he should be sorted. 

But, despite all Shitty’s work in Slytherin about Slytherin pride, no one has _ever_  seemed so excited to be sorted into Slytherin in their _lives_  than Chris Chow. He runs around talking about how cool everyone is and “I’ve been following the House Quidditch teams for a while and omg you guys are _great”_ and  _“WOW DO WE REALLY GET TO LIVE IN THIS AWESOME BASEMENT!!!”_ and really, everyone is a bit overwhelmed and confused and is this what it’s like to be a Gryffindor? People just come in totally pumped to join your house??

Jack stares in utter confusion. Shitty tears up a little and says “One day, Jackie-boy, that’s how it will be.” And then goes to hug the lil 1st year who is already being given a pie by Bitty and–

Look, usually, the first day of being a Slytherin is sort of trying to comfort people who have been sorted into Slytherin. (note to self: write Jack’s first day of being a Slytherin sometime.)

With Chowder, the first day of school is throwing a _party._  

It’s really beautiful and no one knows what he is doing in Slytherin until, as you said, he tries out for Keeper. Jack loves him almost immediately. 

OKAY ALSO, just to get these out of the way:

Whiskey is 100% from an old Slytherin family who was also on the wrong side of the war and he comes in acting like 100% a Slytherin and seems not to need any of Shitty’s “Slytherin Pride” speeches, which throws everyone at first and there’s always the question of “hold up. does this guy have a little bit to _much_  Slytherin pride??” but no one dares ask it aloud because… Whiskey. 

LUCKILY, Whiskey becomes best friends with Tango. And while Whiskey is calm, cool, and collected (and wears green entirely too well, like damn son, you are rocking these slytherin colors); Tango is a friendly, confused, jumbled mess and it’s very unclear why he is in Slytherin. But Whiskey tutors him through every class (and through the abundance of side-projects they do because Tango has questions!!) and, well, people relax because if Whiskey’s best friend is _Tango_  then he cannot be actually a bad person. 

(Also it turns out that Tango is like… accidentally cunning? Like the kid doesn’t seem to mean to but sometimes he can ask enough questions in class that the professor uses up all their time answering him (because really they are good questions sometimes!) and then runs out of time to assign homework.)

(Everyone assumes this is Tango’s Slytherin coming out. It’s not. He just has a lot of questions.)

(it turns out that Tango is a Slytherin because he is actually directly related to Salazar Slytherin – though through a Muggle mistress on one side so Salazar Slytherin probably would have _hated him_. But he has Parseltongue and is technically the most Slytherin of everyone. Though probably actually the least Slytherin. When Shitty discovers this, it is his favorite thing ever.)


	3. The Slytherin Support Group

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another answered ask from an anonymous user. The original ask is in quotes at the beginning.

> The Shitty Slytherin Support Lecture and how Harry and Hermione come to attend it. And why they immediately decide Shitty is excellent. Ok. So, Shitty has already begun spreading the word and inviting people and it's Begun and it feels sort of like a Movement but nothing ever stays secret for long in Hogwarts. The ghosts are fascinated and have mixed reactions but Hermione makes a point of listening to them and figures it out. She's intrigued and has heard a lot about Shitty from McGonagall so
> 
>  
> 
> 2/? So she immediately convinces Harry that Shitty sounds like a leader, and therefore they should Take Notice (because Leadership is a trait they both respect enough to be wary of, but are generally hopeful about). So they get there and they sit up the back, probably in disguise? Hermione takes lots of notes. Harry listens intently. Shitty tells them things that remind Harry of Draco Malfoy, of Narcissa and her acts for her son, of Dumbledore and what he asked of his Slytherins. And when it 
> 
> 3/? And when it comes down to it they do agree with his message - that it’s not good for the kids of Slytherin to be forced into this Bad Guy role, that it’s something Tom Riddle exploited and that fractures the school that should be more United. And maybe afterwards Hermione decides she needs a good long Talk with Shitty (“Why on Earth is he called that?”) And Harry decides his speech needs more Slytherin Heroes. And Shitty is very surprised and pleased in the end (but no less determined).
> 
>  

I just think the original confrontation between Shitty/any of the original Trio would be so interesting. And bringing in the Ghost is also great.

Like… consider that some of the Ghosts now occupying Hogwarts are those who were killed _at the battle of Hogwarts_. And I think it probably takes _a lot_  for those people to want to even consider the idea that Slytherins are not all evil.

Hell, I know I jokingly said that Ron would come along to grab Jack Zimmermann’s autograph, but he lost a _brother_  in that war and Harry lost Sirius and Remus and Tonks and it is one thing to try to separate yourself intellectually and know that not all Slytherins are evil and quite another to try to untangle all the emotions that come from fighting a war (at a very formative age, no less).

Basically, the news that the next generation of Slytherins are organizing and having _meetings_  is probably not met with joy among the Order of the Pheonix. It’s probably met with outright suspicion. Also, I sort of love the idea that the Trio don’t immediately hop on a train of “let’s hear what they have to say!” I bet it takes both McGonagall and Neveille (now professor of Herbology) vouching for Shitty to stop the three from freaking out completely.

(Also, just imagine how _those_  conversations would go because I bet these new group of Slytherins get in more fights than anyone. Like you have Shitty, who can’t and _won’t_  keep his mouth shut, especially about Slytherin prejudice; and then you have Ransom and Holster who are _huge_  and are always ready to throw down (because if you call Holster evil, you are getting Ransom; and if you call _Ransom_  evil, you are getting Holster and– it’s a vicious circle tbh). Then, you mix in Lardo who is straight-up wicked with hexes of all kinds and Bitty who is some kind of diabolical mastermind and then of course, Jack. Jack Zimmermann who tries to deal with all his raging emotions by being calm and not letting it show how much things get to him and he has been called everything in the book and just clenches his fists and takes it but then someone looks at his friends the wrong way and suddenly you have _Jack Zimmermann_  attacking you.)

(Look, what I’m really trying to say is on paper, this Quidditch team is a disaster. These are not goody-two-shoes Slytherins trying to keep their heads down and prove that Slytherins can be good, respectful students. These are semi-militant Slytherins who are fighting prejudice loudly and proudly. And now one of them is _organizing._ )

(BASICALLY, if you don’t stick around to hear Shitty’s message, you are terrified.)

Anyway, so it probably takes some convincing to get the Trio to go to these Shitty-led meetings at all and not just call for them to be Shut Down. And I bet when they go, it is underneath the ollllld invisibility cloack.

I bet they don’t even take it that well right away. Again, they fought in a war. People they loved died. You can be the best person in the world and not necessarily want to hear that the “slytherin prejudice is damaging.” Fuck, for them, it’s not “Slytherin Prejudice.” It’s Slytherin Fact. 

So the three (or maybe, just Hermione because Ron and Harry are still too pissed– idk, okay no lets go all three) go to talk to Shitty alone and… to be honest, they are used to dealing with awe when they talk to younger generations. And at first, Shitty is a little flustered to meet them, to be sure, but then they question something he said in his “little get together” and– BOOM! Shitty is off. And it turns out he has data and records and a few times he looks like he realizes he is sort of yelling at _Harry Potter_  but then he glances back and Jack Zimmermann has his back and at one point–

“Yes, it is” Jack says, stepping forward as Shitty takes a breath. It’s for the best, Shitty looked like he was about to explode. Harry had just made the ‘it can’t be as bad as you are saying’ argument. “My whole family fought on the ‘right’ side of the war. Everyone. My dad lost two cousins. Everyone I know is a Gryffindor. And then I was sorted into Slytherin. I can tell you it is. It is as bad as he says. It’s… it’s probably worse”

Shitty looks a little shocked because Jack _never_  talks to strangers about this and he looks a little bit like he is regretting saying anything so,

“Yes, exactly,” Shitty says. “Like, hell I’m a Knight, I guess I deserve the prejudice but we have people like Jack whose families are _innocent_  and then we have Muggle-born witches and wizards who don’t even know what the fuck they are being _blamed_  for and–”

Basically, Shitty wins them over eventually (because THE KID IS RIGHT DAMMIT!) and it all happens as you said.

(Also, you better believe Hermione and her inner-activist is totally taken with Shitty and his ideas to dismantle the entire House system. Like it takes her a little while, but she gets there.)


	4. Dealing with Bullies -- A Slytherin Handbook

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a series of asks, all on a similar theme though, so I've combined them.   
> All parts of the asks are in quotes and I've tried to link to the ones that are not anonymous users.

> Okay, okay, your HP AU thing? Fucking brilliant, I just read it, and now I have SO MANY FEELINGS. But one thing in particular stood out to me and let me present it to you. Eric R. Bittle fighting for his friends. Just think about little Dicky growing up. When it comes to bullies, Dicky’s first instinct is to Fight, but he quickly learns that Flight is the safer option. (c)
> 
>  
> 
> Little Dicky is small, the rugby team is big, and walking away, thinking of passive forms of getting back eventually is a whole lot easier than getting shoved into a locker. Again. Little Dicky who’s magic unlocks those latched metal doors when he’s worried about being home in time for dinner. His magic starts to help him hide in the shadows of the hallways when the bigger, meaner kids walk by. © 
> 
> Little Dicky who has that anger, burning away inside him, but those bullies are just going after him so, really, it’s better for him to do the smart thing and just keep out of their way. His first instinct is to Fight, but he’s learned to embrace Flight. He has better ways to spend his time, anyway, look at all these recipes he still has to learn! Good lord, and now he’s going away for school, on top of that? Hopefully the kitchens are open to students! © 
> 
> Now, we enter the HP years and Bitty has a few years of learning to control his magic under his belt. He’s not little Dicky anymore, using elusive, untamed magic to hide in the shadows and unlock doors. When he sees those other kids giving his friend(s) a hard time, his first instinct is to Fight, but his brain is programed towards Flight. Then Bitty takes a deep breath. He feels the magic he’s learned to control settle over his shoulders like a second skin. His hand tightens around his wand.© 
> 
> And he choses Fight. (not for himself, though, never for himself, but that is his /friend/) (fin)
> 
> [link to original ask](http://petals42.tumblr.com/post/147145784294/okay-okay-your-hp-au-thing-fucking-brilliant-i)
> 
>  

To this I say: Hell. Yes.

In all seriousness, this is basically how this Slytherin Quidditch Team operates:

**douchebag in another house** : Says something negative about Slytherins/Jack Zimmermann in particular

**Shitty** : *STARTS YELLING* *cannot actually attack because he is too flustered to grab his wand*

**R &H**: *casually pull Shitty aside so that they can step forward and punch culprit* *also forget to bother with wands*

**Lardo** : *hexes all three of douchebag’s friends before they can intervene*

**Jack** : *facepalms* *goes to help friends* *knows he’s going to get another detention for this* *wishes he had said next to A. Perry instead of B. Knight that first night* *secretly does not wish that because he loves his friends*

**Bitty** : *smiles at his friends beating the shit out of douchebag, but seemingly does nothing* *but the next day _no food_  shows up near this pack of assholes* *literally. they don’t get breakfast. every bite of food they reach for skips away* *lunch passes the same* *then dinner* *assholes realize they might actually starve to death* *complaints to McGonagall go unheard because she cannot prove who is doing it* *they go and beg forgiveness from Shitty* *Shitty points them to Bitty* *Bitty points them to Jack* *Jack facepalms and tells Bitty to let them eat* *they next day they get food but it all tastes terrible* *it is a week before they get good food again*

This literally happens like all the time. The only thing that changes is Bitty’s punishment. He’s _very_  creative.

* * *

 

 

> So, the thing about bitty punishing people through food? I feel like bitty is the kind of guy who would punish someone with pie. Like, bitty loves pie, he is a pie expert, but there is such a thing as too much pie. So, some gryffindors fuck with jack and the next morning there's pie. And at lunch, and dinner. The same thing the next day, week, fortnight, until they won't even walk into the banquet hall because they are so afraid that there will be more pie.
> 
>  

It’s probably cherry pie, tbh. Thick, syrupy cherry pie, so decadent that you only want one slice a _week_  before you are done with it. And that’s when there is ice cream with it. 

There is no ice cream for these asshole Gryffindors. There is not even any milk or cream. Just room temperature water and piping hot cherry pie and it’s been four days now and god, even the water is starting to taste like cherries. Everything tastes like cherries. Everything smells like cherries It– they beg forgiveness and Jack tells Bitty to stop but these assholes had insulted not only Jack but Shitty as well so it’s another two days before Bitty lets up.

Sometimes Ransom and Holster break into the Gryffindor washrooms and swap out all the shampoo and body wash for cherry-scented products. 

You can hear the screams throughout the castle. 


	5. Bitty and the Elves; Plus Tango

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Combining some shorter responses here because I think this is the last of it!

> what's slytherin smh's relationship with the house-elves like?
> 
>  

Basically, in an effort not to steal too much of Stiles’ plotline from [Untamed ](http://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Farchiveofourown.org%2Fworks%2F4020778&t=NWRkYjBlMGM1MjZlOWQ0YWM4M2E3ZWQ5YjQ1ZDNhMmUyYjc2NGQ2YyxaNll4OXpveg%3D%3D&b=t%3AAQAoXNfqbtRpvrDIPXUK7A&p=http%3A%2F%2Fpetals42.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F148755727964%2Fwhats-slytherin-smhs-relationship-with-the&m=1)(my sterek HP AU where the elves play quite a role), I will say that when Bitty first went to sneak into the kitchen for the purpose of baking (because you can take the boy out of the muggle kitchen, but you can’t take the… muggle kitchen out of the boy? That fell apart a little. Just roll with it), the elves are none too happy.

Elves do not approve of wanded magic being used for cooking (it ruins the flavor) but they are not sure they approve of _magicless_  cooking either.

The solution, it seems to Eric R. Bittle, it to challenge them to a Bake-Off.

The Rules are simple: all the contestants make a pie (all being Bitty, a very small Elf named Daisy and a slightly larger elf named Arthur) and then in a blind taste test, the judges will pick their favorite. The judges are: Harley, the head of the kitchen; Professor Longbottom, who always did and still does love sweets; and a 7th year Hufflepuff named Darla Williams who was chosen because she happened to be walking by at the time and all contestant agreed that it would be good to have a non-food expert on the team. If Bitty wins, he can use the Elves’ kitchen _whenever he wants_. If the Elves win, he must… well, not stay away forever because that would be mean and actually the Elves have grown quite fond of Bitty because he’s _Bitty_  and actually they like all the Slytherins (Stiles remains their favorite student ever) but they will make fun of him and he will probably be limited to certain days or nights. It’s unclear.

REGARDLESS, It is a grueling three hours for our contestants. Bitty makes his famous maple-crusted apple pie (and has to put up with a good deal of chirping from the Elves who aren’t exactly accustomed to using syrup for anything besides breakfast foods), Daisy makes a batch of her chocolate chip oatmeal brownies that she always puts out for homesick First years and Arthur makes very fancy, gold flecked macarons because his name is Arthur and he is fancy and he can. 

To make a _very_  long story and judging process short (seriously, the judging process takes upwards of 2 hours and at this point all the Slytherins have been told what’s going on so imagine Ransom and Holster providing commentary on every bite and facial expression of each judge, to the point where Harley almost flings them out of his kitchen, and Shitty curses so much that Harley _does_  fling him out of his kitchen), Bitty wins! Even Harley admits that this pie is delicious and Bitty should be allowed to use to the kitchen.

A few contests later (pie-specific this time) and some of the Elves even agree that magicless baking might be even better than wandless magic baking. 

(Except for Arthur. Arthur always thinks it’s an abomination. Arthur is a bit of a fuddy-duddy, tbh.)

 

* * *

 

 

> Ok so with your Slytherin au, imagine like TANGO at Hogwarts, like he's totally a muggleborn like bitty hence all the questions, for example " are those really ghosts?" And " WHY ARE ALL THE SHOWERS PUBLIC?" Shitty loves him for some of his questions
> 
> [link to original ask](http://petals42.tumblr.com/post/147144192004/ok-so-with-your-slytherin-au-imagine-like-tango)

Ahhh, yesss, I wrote a little bit about Tango [here](http://petals42.tumblr.com/post/147091573959/umm-the-cp-hp-au-is-the-greatest-thing-ever)– but forgot to add that of _course_  he would be raised by the secret Muggle side of the Salazar Slytherin family so he would just _explode_  with questions.

Seriously. Without Whiskey to calmly explain things the first few weeks (read: first three years), Tango probably would have combusted. 

A VERY INCOMPLETE list of questions Tango had in the first 12 hours of his time at Hogwarts:

  * Are those really ghosts? What is the point of having a House ghost? Are they like a mascot? How do you become a ghost? Does everyone become a ghost? Did they all die here? What if I don’t want to be a ghost? Do they ever pass on? Can Muggles see them? What do you think would happen if Hogwarts were destroyed? Would they still have to stay here? Can they take classes? Can they still use magic? Can they change clothes? Does Professor Binns still earn a salary?
  * Why are all the showers public? Why do the prefects get a special shower? Isn’t there some kind of cleaning spell we could use instead of bothering? How does the plumbing system work? Magic? Electricity? Does it ever break?
  * If the stairs move, does that mean they are sentient? Are they on some sort of system? Is it just random? What gears are they moving on? Do they have to work together to make sure the castle is still supported? Is the castle just held up by raw magic?
  * What makes certain brooms fly? Is it a spell or a special kind of wood?
  * This point system… how does it know to actually give or subtract points from people? What’s to stop just everyone from saying “5 points to Slytherin!”? What if you used a spell to perfectly impersonate someone’s voice? Actually, wait, what about that guy that used ployjuice potion for a whole year to be a professor? Did the system recognize _his_  voice? Could anyone polyjuice themself into a professor and give out billions of points? (Tango, dude, your slytherin is showing.)
  * Where do banished things go? Especially the food…. you can’t apparate out of Hogwarts but does that mean all this food is going to waste? Couldn’t we banish it to a homeless shelter? 
  * Who delivers the groceries to Hogwarts? Because some of these foods are not in season right now….
  * Could we make wands in other shapes? 



 

(Okay gotta stop there, but you get my drift.)

 

* * *

 

 

 


End file.
